I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past

I pick the goddamn terror of the goddamn gods out of my nose! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt volcanoes in the Cosmos! But YAH-HOOOO! let the Men from Mars bear witness! So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled False Prophets!

I'll freeze your seed before it hits the bathroom tile! I bend crowbars with my meat ax and a thought! Father Time's hands are my ideal playground! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the first god damn water! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Arm-vein, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the Nile and didn't get wet! Yes baby, I'm seven feet tall and have 666 rows o' backbones; I was suckled by a pterodactyl, I gave Mother Nature a high-protein tonsil wash!

YEEE HAW! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the dipshits in China! Yes, I'm the purple flower of the Bermuda Triangle, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Jesus swoons! Anything for a laugh!