Milk, Milk, Lemonade. Around the Corner, Fudge is Made!

I was having a fantasy fight with Roger the other night. That little worm claimed that a Cleveland Steamer or a Hot Carl is sexier than a pee bath, drinking pee, a golden shower or the old man in the canoe sinking in the Yellow River. (Hint: the man is old because he's wrinkled)

What Roger doesn't understand is it's not what he thinks is sexy, it's what I think is sexy that counts. If I'd rather see him with a ball gag in his mouth than have to look at his O-face, then he had better get used to the idea that it's much sexier.

Just look at the hatmaker. Sure, he'll go for a Cleveland Steamer in a pinch (hee hee), but he realizes the supremacy of urine-based bdsm. Sometimes you need to be elbow-deep in an armadillo before you realize how sexy what you're doing is.

Not Unless You Pry My Gun From My Cold, Dead Clam

You shivering weasels should know that Das Coot has not been a lazy blogger, but that you have all been over-anxious mongeese with cobra venom blinding your eyes. Yes, you heard me. Just like Bill O'Reilly, I have declared war on those who have declared war on those who have declared war upon Christmas. Recursive? No more than one of Roger's lesbian double-header videos, or a hitchhiker-inside-a-hitchhiker-inside-a-hitchhiker (Türdfücken).

My mother, Mrs. Refried Bean, and my Stepfather, Mr. Monsterdick, will be celebrating the pagan holiday of Poodsmas in just a few hours, lubricating themselves and me in a mixture of pig-grease, Mezcal, and the new Chipotle K-Y Jelly. Smokey! I'm inviting the Hatmaker over to play the role of the Wicker Man, and Roger is going to play Dustin Hoffman in 'Straw Dogs'. Skippy shall perform as Christopher Robin and Zornig shall be Tigger. And Das Pood shall be the Poop-Bear.

Jeff will make a special guest appearance as "the Gimp".

Homo for the Hollidays

Well, I finally had to give the Land Rover back to my body-building Bi- Boyfriend the Hatmaker, but not after collecting several hitchhikers down by Bentonsport to tide me over for my Winter up-keeping. I was giving one of them the whole "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again" speech when Das Pood really jumped down into the pit with him - I've got to stop watching that movie in front of my puppsy-wuppsy-wover-dover luv-dog!

Not wanting to make the same mistake as my fictional counterpart, that hitchhiker quickly ended up on the barbie and the other ones went for winter canning. I even went to the extra effort to make a Turdfucken (you put organs from one hitchhiker into the organs of another and then the organs of another - I think you can guess which ones!) for Christmas, and, boy, was it TASTEY!

I had my first venereal disease of the new year (thanks Torrid!), so things were a little slow around New Years as the Hatmaker pleasured me through a Dental Dam while I soaked in a penicillin marinade.

Other than that, Gay Roger has claimed if I buy him 13 bottles of the Doctor he'll help me put a "submit" button here on the blog, so all you pathetic tapeworms can submit appropriately, and often.