I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past

I pick the goddamn terror of the goddamn gods out of my nose! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt volcanoes in the Cosmos! But YAH-HOOOO! let the Men from Mars bear witness! So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled False Prophets!

I'll freeze your seed before it hits the bathroom tile! I bend crowbars with my meat ax and a thought! Father Time's hands are my ideal playground! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the first god damn water! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Arm-vein, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the Nile and didn't get wet! Yes baby, I'm seven feet tall and have 666 rows o' backbones; I was suckled by a pterodactyl, I gave Mother Nature a high-protein tonsil wash!

YEEE HAW! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the dipshits in China! Yes, I'm the purple flower of the Bermuda Triangle, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Jesus swoons! Anything for a laugh!

Schlemeel, Schlamazel, Hausenpfeffer Incorporated

I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off and that head stuck up its chicken ass for a little over two weeks. No more! I've got a pocket full of pain pills, a gallon of Sangria, and some lithium-ion batteries for my pal the Lady Finger, so Watch out, world!

Give me any chance I'll take it
I'm going to make the same stupid mistakes over and over. I love it! So fuck you! Particularly in the love arena. So bring it on-you've been served!

Give me any rule I'll break it
I'm not going to teach my heart to fear, or judge, or crochet, or have anal sex. It knows all these things already!

I'm going to make my dreams come true
Another pudwhacker, yes? If I want to shave my cha-cha, then I am going to do it. If I want to do it in the middle of Market Street during rush hour, then call the firemen cause mama's got a house on fire!

Doin' it my way
I would still like to know more about how to clean up the mess I might make, but a little dirt never heart anybody. At least that's what Gay Roger says.

There is nothing I won't try
I am going to re-enact some Cambodian war attrocities down near the Missouri border. No apologies. I don't have to read Vogue magazine if I don't want to.

Never heard the word impossible
I'm going to match Roger enema for enema just to prove that my Bungaranamus rules the roost.

This time, there's no stopping me
I am going to re-write the Magna Carta and shove it down Scott G.'s throat, but in a friendly way.

Jeff's head will look peachy next to my dead hitchhiker's.